You’ll forgive me for this post. The humour in it is well worth the multiple – somewhat unforgivable – uses of the word ‘cunt’. This vulgar word is possibly the most vicious insult you could throw at someone and is an absolute argument stopper. There are no amounts of ‘arsehole’, ‘dickhead’ or ‘pieces-of-shit’ in an argument that can rebut a well-timed ‘you’re a cunt!’ Whilst I don’t often use the word and certainly don’t condone it being added to your list of everyday expletives, the word does hold the power to emphatically get your point across. I received an email recently in which the unknown author – quite clearly from the UK – had delved into the history of the English language and made some interesting discoveries regarding this word. These discoveries are hilarious.


“My research of the English language has resulted in many interesting discoveries.The following report may enlighten you as to the meaning of a well used word.

The word “CUNT” nowadays is used in many different ways

It is actually derived from an ancient Roman word “cunttes” and was first heard uttered by Julius Cesar on the famous marble steps …”Ahhg!! I’ve been stabbed in the back by a bunch of cunttes !!!”

However it was another thousand years before it was heard again…strangely enough in England…by which time it had been shortened. Records show that during the Battle of Hastings King Harold was distinctly heard to exclaim – “Forsooth!..I fear the battle is lost!! Some cunt has shot me in the eye!!” It is rumoured, although there is little evidence available to substantiate it, that the word was then used again in a completely different context as one of his aides was heard to shout “Gadzooks Sire!! will be a cunt of job pulling that out!!”

Shortly after it became part of the English language – possibly due to its Royal connection – and found it’s way into the dictionary where it seems to have two basic meanings:

1.(noun) The outer female organ; The vagina

2.(noun) A very unpleasant or stupid person.

The first meaning needs no clarification, but the second could leave one a little confused. So to help you spot, and hopefully avoid, number 2, the following examples may be of some assistance to you.

All Australians are cunts. Anyone who thinks otherwise is also a cunt.

The bloke with the big bushy beard, thick woollen polo neck jersey, and pint of real ale – usually tapping his foot to some noisy bloody jazz band – …is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke who rattles his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other, then talks with it gripped between his yellow teeth convinced that he is “Mr. Contentment”…is a cunt.

Short arsed stubby blokes – who only seem to appear in the summer – with big guts, knee-length baggy shorts, football shirts and huge trainers and walk around under the misapprehension that they look mildly athletic instead of out-of-shape twats…are cunts.

Leo Sayer is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke who reaches 40 – realises he is going nowhere so decides to take the character route to try to get noticed, by growing a big beard or bushy sideburns and a handlebar moustache, gets a pocket watch and turns into Dr. Watson…coming out with stuff like “That meal I had last night was most agreeable…”….is a cunt.

George Best was and Ainsley Harriet is…a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke who could easily retire but still works his bollocks off at 65 and still takes shit off young yuppie upstarts – convincing himself that he “enjoys his job”  – when the truth is he can’t think of fuck all else to do…is a cunt.

The newcomer to the gym who goes through a self invented stretching exercise, wrongly convinced that all the regulars will think he knows what he’s doing…and usually wears black socks and black trainers…is a cunt.

The scraggy bloke in his 40’s who, on a sunny day, walks round smoking a ciggy wearing a dark blue sleeve-less T-shirt – showing a collection of cheap fading tattoos – black socks and black trainers…and of course a fucking baseball cap…is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke in the golf club who kills himself laughing at all the captains unfunny jokes…is a cunt.

In fact all golf club captains are cunts.

Blokes who think “You are what you drive”…are cunts.

All Australians are cunts.

When you put your golf ball on a tee and it falls off…the bloke who says “ONE!…Ha Ha Ha”…is a cunt.

Any bloke over 45 who wears a bandana and an earring and isn’t a member of the crew of a pirate ship…is a cunt.

The Yanks who chant “U…S…A!!” at sporting events…are cunts.

Come to think of it all Yanks are cunts.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke who insists on telling you how good his car is…is worse than the bloke who tells you how good he is with women…but it’s immaterial really…because they are both cunts.

Blokes who ride those bikes where you lie down and steer them under your arse (with a fucking flag on the end of a long thin pole look like, and indeed are… cunts.

The bearded rotund loudmouth with the scarf and pint of beer in the rugby stands who shouts “We need more ball!!” or similar obvious fucking instructions the hooker doesn’t really need telling while he’s getting his head trodden on…is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

All Morris dancers are cunts…with no exceptions.

The misguided parent who has emptied his bank account trying to turn his offspring into another Pete Sampras … not realising that young Darren will very soon prefer shagging…is a cunt.

The bloke who goes up to the club pianist and comes out with the highly original “Can you play far away”…is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

Any bloke who rides a horse and isn’t a jockey…is a cunt.

The bloke who insists on telling you about all his ailments…mistaking you for someone who gives a fuck…is a cunt.

Cliff Richard isn’t necessarily a cunt…but he will be if he brings out another Christmas fucking record!!

Anyone who likes Hip Hop, Garage, or Rap music and is over 16…is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

Anyone who likes all three and is over 16…is a fucking cunt.

Any bloke with a Mohican haircut…is a cunt…unless he was present at Custer’s Last Stand… (incidentally Custer was a cunt as well)

The Macho guys in tight jeans, cowboy boots and big Stetsons who are seen in every bloody country and western video in station wagons or around a pool table…are cunts.

All Australians are cunts.

The pissed-up football hooligan – usually English – in Italy, with no shirt on, who stands at the front of the mob beckoning the oncoming armoured car with both hands to “have a go” just before the water cannon blasts him arse over tit along the gravel leaving him upside down against a brick wall with no skin and a broken neck …is a cunt.

Jonathan Ross is a cunt.

Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet are a shower of cunts.

Each member of Take That – with the possible exception of Gary Barlow – is a cunt.

All Australians are cunts.

Robbie Williams obviously realised this and left…but that doesn’t matter because he’s a cunt as well.

George W. Bush is a gold-plated cunt. (see also ..wanker..tosspot..knob head).

Terry Wogan, Michael Parkinson, Paul Daniels and Sebastian Coe…not forgetting Prince Edward…are cunts.

All Australians are cunts.

I don’t know if Mel Gibson is a cunt…err…yes he is…now it’s official.

Anyone who understands what baseball is all about (or even fucking cares)…is a cunt

Anyone who “works hard and plays hard”…is a cunt.

The Monkeys are cunts…Mickey Dolenz being the biggest.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke in the queue at the airport with a trolley loaded up with cases surrounded by screaming kids, trying to look cool in his brand new trainers, brand new tracky bottoms and brand new flowery shirt (with the original crease still in it)…and of course a gold bracelet round his fucking neck …is a cunt.

The whole population of Bangor are cunts.

The short arsed dancing fool in Boney M who mimes to some other pricks voice …is a cunt.

Mustn’t forget Bruce Forsyth…what a cunt he is.

All Australians are cunts.

The bloke in the driving seat of his car on his way to Wales on a Sunday accompanied by three yapping blue rinse old bags…him being the only surviving husband…is a cunt.

The young bloke at the wedding with the white suit and black open neck shirt who decides he’s gonna show the older ones how the younger generation dance to the disco…is a cunt.

The lad with the gaping mouth and protruding bottom lip and can of lager … walking down the street uttering intelligent comments like “I’m gone rip iz ‘ead off!!”…is a total cunt. If you ever wonder where NOWHERE is just make a note of the direction he’s heading.

All Australians are cunts.

It is very difficult not to think all masons are cunts…so they must be.

Blokes who stand in a circle in the pub listening intently to each other with a furrowed brow and biting their bottom lip and throwing the odd sixpeneth into the conversation as they discuss their teams midfield problems …and think that the hairy arsed overpaid manager in his mansion gives a flying fuck what they think …are cunts.

Ainsley Harriet is such a cunt he deserves a second mention.

All Australians are cunts.

Denis Norden, who seriously requires that clip board shoving up his arse…is a cunt.

Did I mention Ant and Dec?…pair of cunts?…I fucking think so!!.

And finally . . . . . All Australians are cunts.

So there you are. This list is by no means exhaustive but it will give you some idea of what to look for and hopeful avoid as you negotiate life’s long and winding road.

Because this word has ceased to be a swear word…it should no longer be regarded as offensive. If, however, you have been offended …simply add your name to the above list.”


I have never laughed this hard in all my life. I just…WOW! This piece is pure brilliance. Crude, but brilliant.

You stay classy – at least try after reading this,





  1. Pingback: 100 Words or Less: On Fucked Up (the Band) | Robot Butt

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