There’s nothing worse than seeing some inebriated Neanderthal standing at the bar, throwing his name. It’s messy and unattractive. I can promise you that said Neanderthal is making no friends – on either side of the bar – as he hurls a tirade of shlurred expletives at his mates as he tries to explain why the group of ladies sitting next to them don’t want anything to do with him. In Vol. I, I threw out some tips on how to approach the barman to make sure that you receive your drink in a hassle free and swift manner. Here I’ll offer up a few to ensure that you a) don’t become that Neanderthal and b) conduct yourself in a smooth yet chivalrous manner at all times.
1. IF YOU WANT TO BUY A LADY A DRINK, ASK HER
It sounds simple enough because it is. It’ll get you off on the right foot and the least you could do is have her sipping on her drink of choice as you convince her that you’re a great guy.
2. CLEAR YOUR TAB BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS MEET YOU FOR DRINKS
There’s nothing wrong with a couple of drinks between friends. Be a gentleman and start on an even keel, it’s the least you could do.
3. DON’T WORRY WHAT OTHERS THINK
If you like your whiskey on the rocks, take it that way. If you put ice in your white wine, go for it. Why should you suffer through your drink because you care what others think?
4. MAKE SURE YOU ORDER YOUR DRINK FROM THE RIGHT PERSON
And not some bar back or glass washer dashing through the crowd with a tray of empties.
5. NEVER ARGUE OVER A TAB
The fact of the matter is that you are arguing over a tab, you’re probably not sober enough to be arguing constructively anyway. It’s not worth the effort and stress. Don’t be the material one in your group of mates. Even if you’re not happy, suck it up and learn from the situation. Don’t run a tab with the same party again.
16. SCREW THAT IDEA
Someone saying “when in Rome” to convince you to drink something will always lead downhill – very quickly – to a mess. Red lights should flash and a small voice should tell you to ‘have some common sense, FFS!”
7. NEVER MENTION THE TIP
It cheapens you. At no stage is there ever a need to tell a barman or waiter that you’re going to ‘take care of him.’
8. SHOTS ONLY SPEED UP THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL
I’ll concede that there is certainly a time and place. Bachelors and weddings spring to mind. A shot or two after the Bokke have just beaten the Welsh? Probably not. Remember that blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history and shots only aid in this clearing process.
9. HAVE A GO TO DRINK IN YOUR REPERTOIRE
A vodka martini, an old-fashioned, Jameson on the rocks or your run-of-the-mill SAB product. Relax and figure out what you really want to drink whilst nursing that guy.
!0. PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY
At least show some interest.
As before: Use it, don’t use it.
You stay classy,